i have been a fool. such a fool.

rick.

i just finished going through my fisheye pictures. it brought back memories. alot of memories. i thought to myself, what am i doing to myself? why am i killing myself over this little thing when i can be out there enjoying whats waiting for me. to be honest, my relationship with jac was just merely a fling. i fell in love with the girl i felt most comfortable with and closest with. i also fell in love with her long wavy hair which smelt so damn good. but now is now, i give up on the past. i dont want to correct it, change it, or erase it. i just want to go on from here. im going to call her as soon as she reaches singapore.
her hair smells like heaven. her lips taste so sweet and tender. i actually de-virginized her lips. it felt good. it really did. i think im falling in love again...

i give up on the past. i give up on her.

rick.

the start of the holidays. how i sometimes dread holidays. just 3 months ago ... it happened. i was miserable as hell. somehow, i feel it all over again. even with the chain of events that is happening to me now. i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont.

i told her that it was not a good idea that both of us be in a relationship. i thought long and hard about it and if it continues, or even starts, it would end up bad. she wished id come out of my shell and see how beautiful is it outside. i have been a burden to her ever since she knew me. i dont know how one person can absorb so much crap from me. its either she is really dumb or really in love with me to block all negativity out. i mean, she even took me somewhere when i was really down and made me the most happiest man in that place. i just dont understand anything anymore. i just dont want to hurt anyone anymore. i feel guilty even though bad things happen and its not my fault.

i just feel that everything i do or not do is my fault. either right or wrong. the world spins, but i cant keep up with it. the past is still here, haunting me with every move i made. last night i called her and switchfoot's on fire was on. jac used to play that song so often i feel that i was in her room again. it felt so awkward being on the phone and thinking of two things at once, maybe the most wonderful thing in my life and the past. i think im just blinded by love and the past.

miserable as hell i will be. sometimes i feel like im meant to live and die alone.

rick.

yesterday was the best day of my whole miserable college life. last day of college, made out with her, showed her my room, and went to shogun to get bloated! who wouldnt love that?

the accounts paper was a mess. it was the hardest for me for the whole term. i should learn to listen in class more often than just sleep. but after that was great. she didnt want to go back so early, so i brought her home. we made out a little and yeah. after that i picked the gang up, introduced her to them and then sent her home. we then went to shogun and ate our asses off. we sat down at 6.30pm and left fully bloated at 9.30pm. for three hours we ate and ate and ate. everything was delicious! they even gave us complimentary oysters. not ordinary oysters but huge ass ones. after that we got back and i went to bed straight after that. i just took off my shirt and just slept. even though it felt uncomfortable sleeping, i was just too tired to do anything else.

woke up in the noon. bought some bakery stuff. made some tuiles. its good shit. sy cant take his hands off the tuiles. baking is fun. male bonding! heehhehe

ok ... not sure what to do tonight but hopefully its good.

rick.

finally derrick made out with a girl! surprising as it sounds, its true! it was probaby a one time thing but kissing never felt so good. it was this hot japanese mix malay chick. omg, how hot she is, words cant describe! hehehe. i took her to the stairs and we just made out there. i totally messed up her hair! hehehe. my bad. it was all good. she said i was a good kisser. hmmmmm ...

anyways, exams went well. maths was rather, interesting. questions were fairly hard and i did most of it, so yeah, good for me. tomorrow is the worst paper ever! accounts! i hate accounts. before accounts is F&B, so yeah. hopefully ill pass both papers. i know i wont score with flying colours but ill just do my best.

other than that, holidays after tomorrow! but it would only last one week...that would suck. i just dont understand why they give such short holidays. oh well, maybe they dont want us to forget what we learnt. yupyup. no idea what im going to do for 1 week but ill figure something out. its too short for a part time job, which i want to do so badly. i think ill take it easy and relax. yeah. maybe go clubbing and find some hot chicks. =)

i dated quite a number of girls and yet i still feel that i dont understand them. its just so hard to know what they really want. even though when they tell you they want something, its actually something else. understanding women is hard. oh well, maybe when im older ill know.

rick.

everyday has been a challenge for me. just to fight another day. overtake obsticles, jump over hurdels and such. i still dont believe im where im today. without the help of everyone in my life, i wouldnt be here today. since i was a little boy until now. the little fist fights i got myself into in high school, the friends i made throughout my whole life, the girlfriends i loved and adored, the family that supported me no matter what and last but not least, God.

these few days, i have been driving slow, cutting down on fags, cutting down on alcohol and ... living my life to the fullest. speed gives me thrills and that little adrenaline rush but come to think of it, safety comes first right? yeah. the fags, no doubt its bad. definately cutting down. trying to make it 14 sticks for 2 days instead of one. im almost there! had like 10 sticks today. so, slowly cutting down is good. alcohol. oh the sweet taste of alcohol. i might just go clubbing this weekend. release the crazy stress from studying. i love alcohol. no one can take my alcohol away!! hehe.

studying has made me really crazy. im having the biggest headache ever! i even slept for two hours when i got back. didnt work at all. went to college around 11am. studied until 4pm. exam started at 4pm until 6pm. stayed in college after the exam to study up maths for tomorrow. hopefully everything goes into my head. going to college early tomorrow again. but unfortunately for me, the paper starts at 11.30am. so have to wake up earlier, revise and finito! maths should be fairly easy. i already got 36/40 for my previous test which adds up in the exam. so that would be good.

anyways ... i might just fall asleep or do a little revision.

rick.

i was so tired yesterday that i actually slept at 9pm. when i reached home, i showered and then slept. i couldnt even move. i just slept like a little baby. yesterday was the day where we had to commis for the final term students. in the morning, it was kinda hectic with everyone being all slow and all but the afternoon was slow. so practically we were doing commis from 8am-7pm. all of us were so beat after that. had to even send samir, nick and widad home. sheesh.

today was kinda ok. had kitchen theory exam. which was easy. last minute studying really got me this time. i studied and studied and studied. after the exam ... i went to the library to study for the next paper which is tomorrow, nutrition science. i fell asleep until everyone else left the library. i drooled all over my hand, hehehehe. hopefully no one saw it! heheeh. i didnt know why i was so tired. maybe i over slept? yeah. maybe. went home around 8pm after studying my last stroll of little notes. had a hard time remembering from the notes. i hope i do good tomorrow. i cant really study at home ... just a little lazy as i always think that when i come home, i just want to relax.

i must remember for next term that i have to concentrate in class so that i dont have to go back and study. everything is practically given during lectures. so yeah. thats my goal for next term.

i've been really running wild. my heads been left, right, up, down. i just dont understand anything anymore. life's been bitting me in the ass. little by little. i dont think i can take anything anymore. i want to be left alone and just die alone. sometimes its hard to let go. things can be replaced, but love cant. i just cant replace the love she gave me. oh how i want it so badly now. sigh...

rick.

i said i was moving on on wednesday's post. but i dont think im anymore. just a single thought of her brought me really low. it was just a mild thought of her ... and poof ... im gone. i cant even think straight. i need alcohol so badly now. really badly. i want to drown myself in alcohol. just drown...

nothing seems to fit right anymore. i wish i just did nothing and deserve nothing in return. i just dont want to do anything anymore. just be a beggar by the side of the street and hope people i know wont recognize me. this time, i really give up. i dont want anything anymore. seriously and honestly. i cant take anything anymore. everyone might think that yeah, this stupid boy is being so fucked up just because of a breakup. so i will say again, you wouldnt know what we went through together. you wouldnt have imagined it even happened. but it did. so yeah.

exams are coming soon. as in this week. and im feeling this way. definately not helping at all. sigh...

rick.

today was the most tiring day of my whole life. well, of my term 2. slept at 5am. studying like a sick duck. woke up at 7am. went to college. went straight to the library to study. studied for about half an hour and fell asleep. i slept for i dont know how long until i couldnt feel my pinky. i was so dead asleep i wouldnt know who disturbed me or not.

for the last 10 minutes, i went for cocktail class, which was fantastic. just when i went in, they started with the alcohol. perfect timing i would say. tried the irish coffee. good shit! =) after that class, went for geography exam. it was quite easy as we could refer to printed materials for the first 15 minutes. it was like a race of how many you could answer for the first 15 minutes. so yeah. practically found all the 50 questions with my notes.

after that, we had a long break. so i went to the lounge and just read comics and surfing the net. did that for like an hour or so. class started at 2.30pm and not many people attended because it was the last class. the lecturer was just giving us tips and revising with us the topics she thought. after that, we could go back. so i left.

met sy, sarah and mode on the way home. picked them up and went straight to ikano, then to ikea, then to tesco. it was a friday well spent. bought a mixing bowl for the apartment. yeah.

we made bread rolls around 1am. it turned out good! everyone loved it. sy was like wanting to learn how to make bread. so i thought him. maybe it was him that made it all happen! yeah ... it was. i barely did anything but stare and give silly commands.

anyways, ima go sleep now. dont know what time i would wake up tomorrow. having the biggest headache ever. had this headache since i was in college. this is bad.

rick.

just came back from the movies. the fast and the furious: tokyo drift. the gang didnt let me drive after the movie =( which was ok, because i know i would speed like a crazy fuck. hehehe so yeah. the movie was awesome. hated the CG effects though. i guess now with all the techonology and shit, CG is the way to go and also cheaper. it just sucks that the director did not put everything real. like adding CG effects. that was the only sucky part of the movie. overall it was good shit!

i cant wait to go out and work and own myself a nice ride. have been thinking lately about pimping my ride. sy suggest that looks then speed. then i just said the speed is about the driver, not the car. so he suggested the rims, body kit and lowering the car. maybe i should. but only after i start work and earn my own little savings. heheh. would love to see some huge ass rims on my car though. that would be the first thing i would do.

at times i want a good and fast sedan car, at other times i want my rav4 to be pimped to its extreme. but i guess im even lucky enough to own a car. yupyup. be glad derrick =)

anyways, class was quite interesting today. i actually stayed awake for accounts, for an HOUR!! hahahaha ok, i admit, i did sleep. sigh. i need to get rid of this laziness of mine. so yeah. thats it.

im tired and sleepy. need to study geography!

rick.

i was too tired yesterday to blog. i actually fell asleep at 12am! without even bathing, i just fell asleep with my jeans on. i was just too tired to do anything. yesterday was ok i guess. had a really long day.

but nothing can beat today. was in college around 8.30, which surprised all of my classmates. they were like saying, "you always come late and when the class is ending, today is soooo special huh?" hahahaha i just laughed everything off. it is true, i do go to class late. but my attendence rate is better than most of my classmates. i have only three absents for three classes. most of them has more than three absents in the same class! hehehe see ... its all good in the end right? =)

i've been eating alot lately and i think im putting on weight. but i love the way i look now. skin and bones. hehehe oh well. have to look like my baby picture. so cute! hehehe

ok then. exams are next week and im starting to stress out. but still being slumber about it. im just scared for accounts. the only subject im failing this term. i seriously have to keep up with the class and not sleep. i wish i did accounts in high school. then i would know the basics. sheesh.

everyday seems to be a ... better day. my smoking habits have been cut down. my eating habits have increased. i havent touched a single drip of alcohol since ... 2 weeks. im actually moving on. i cant believe it. but one thing is still stuck on my mind. well, two actually. one of them will end at the end of this month while the other would haunt me for the rest of my life. i just cant believe "I" did it. i feel so irresponsible. as a man. such stupidity. sigh. i bet she told him everything about it already and both of them would probably be laughing at me. pointing fingers and saying how stupid i was. well, am.

the past cant be changed, so its better to move on and mend your own future with what you have now. dont think of bitter things as it would just bring you lower and you might just start all over again, from scratch. feeling down and being anti social. everyone goes through pain and agony. but not many people has gone through what i have.

rick.

another hectic day in college. we had 52 guest!! which ended up only 44 coming. so yeah. still hectic! we had these people from a different department coming for a function about wine. they were drinking wine and whiskey and brandy and all that shit. joe said he helped one of the lecturer to bring wine into the hall the guest were in and he said he could get drunk just smelling the alcohol in that room. hahahaha i just laughed but wished i was there! heheehe.

overall everything was ok. one of the guest, which was joe's guest gave me the freakiest and most horniest stare of my whole life! i tell you! her head was mid down and her eyes was just staring at me while i walk by a couple of times. if im not mistaken, her name is lisa. freaky. didnt want to make eye contact as she looked like a fuckable toy. not interested at all.

so yeah. everything was done and such. had lunch alone in the mamak until sookie, widad and samir came. so yeah. all of us went to the library. then jasmine, samirs girlfriend, came and joined us. jasmine actually lost her handphone and some cash within a minute! she left her handbang on the sink in the girls locker room and when she got back, her handphone and cash was gone. this college is really fucked up. there were previous thefts before in the lockers.

so yeah. sookie was doing her work. so widad and i went to piramid to pick up her dvd from a shop. we bought starbucks and dunkin donuts for samir and sookie, as jasmine went home already. so yeah. got back to college, spent some time with widad just talking randomly on the stairs. after sookie went home, widad, samir and i went over to jasmine's house to watch football. japan vs australia. australia actually won ... could u believe it? because i couldnt! so yeah. sent widad home before half time. then came home to finish the soccer game.

pretty much a tiring day today. should be off to bed now. oh, i finally got the laziness off and changed my sheets. my bed looks superb now with colourful colours. i didnt have any bed sheets left so i just laid the conforter as a bed sheet and used a blanket i bought from ikea not long ago as a blanket! it looks so nice now! hehehee. ok ... off to bed off to bed.

exams in a week. study time.

...I can't unthink about you. I can't unfeel your touch. I can't unhear all the words, unsay all the things that used to mean so much. I wish I could unremember everything my hearts been through. Im finding out its impossible to do. Its no use, I cant unlove you. I could wake up without you, these two arms not around you, tell myself it's meant to be this way. No matter how I try, some things I can't change...

rick.

another ordinary day. i was suppose to be helping out in college but instead i overspelt till 3pm. how fun is that? i actually fell asleep at 6am when i was suppose to leave the house at 7.30am. interesting no?

so yeah. went to have my hair cut, walked around 1u, go back, picked sy and sarah, get groceries from tesco, pasar malam for fruits then back home. see ... thats all!! omg ... i should like stop blogging! my life is so un-interesting. yay!!

sigh. will be the restaurant manager for class later. had a long weekend thinking of what to do and yeah, what to do. so finally figured out everything, last minute as usual. dum dum ti dum...

so yes. life has been kicking me in the butt and telling me to move on. yes i have been moving on and yes its not as easy as everyone assumed it to be. to be honest, i cant seem to actually get rid of the past from me. as hard as i may try, it will still haunt me. like really haunt me as i cant stand it anymore. every single night i fall asleep, every single thing i do, it just ... bites me in the ass all the time.

eventually ... soon ... i will realize that this is all a dream. ill just wake up from this terrible nightmare and be free from this dreadful feeling. maybe i got into a car crash and im in a coma now. this is just a coma dream. trying to wake up but cant. maybe when i finally find myself then i could wake up. maybe. just maybe.

nothing seems to matter anymore. i wish i had a million dollars. so i can go to the club every single night and drink my sorrows away. i hate my life. i wish i was dead.

...

rather interesting day today. woke up late but it ended with a bang!

woke up around 3pm. ate bread with peanut butter and jelly for lunch. watched tv ... played never winter nights with the gang and thennnnnn went out with samir. was suppose to go to mamak to watch the world cup, england vs paraguay (mind u it sucked!! englang won by a fucked up own goal!! losers), then to starbucks. but then, joe went off early to be with his gf. so then, we stayed at the mamak till 12am. went to a&w in subang and watched fast cars go by. it was damn good i tell you. my heart never beated that fast before!! samir even let me test out his turbo car. sooooooooooo coooooooool!!! i was like YAY!! hahahaha then he sent me home while racing with this other accord. he won!! a ford won an accord! interesting no? hehehehe

so thats that. now im back home and all hyped out over cars. fun fun!! =)

rick.

so yeah, i got into a fight with my sis, but its all good. i cant stand making my sis mad just because i dont want her to care. uhuh uhuh. i couldnt update yesterday because something was wrong with my browsers. weird.

i just got back home from a coffee break in starbucks bukit bintang with joe and samir. free drinks again!! hehehe ... just got to love joe the supervisor!! before that, was in college with widad, sookie and samir. widad and sookie were doing their work while samir and i just lazed around college trying to find something to do. hehehe useless men. after both of the ladies got done with their work, we went to ss15 to eat western food. it was cheap and good. my meal was about rm10. rm10 for a beef steak!! yeahhhh~~!! so after dinner, sookie's mum came and send her home, i sent widad home and picked samir at his house. i then drove down to kl! samir loved my car. but i dont understand as he drives a freaking turbo car! hahaha

so yeah. now im back home and im damn tired. feel like just konking out now. maybe i should. havent had a decent sleep in weeks. sigh ....

rick.

guess how depressed this little kid is now. come on, guess. high? low? no, higher. way way up there!

why does everyone pick on my weak side? why does everyone pull me down with bad comments about me? why does everyone just pull out my bad points? why not ask how well im doing, or congratulate me for it? i just dont understand.

i mean ... i have been better than before. i have moved on. yeah, more than before that is. why cant people just see that than always assuming me as being down and depressed? maybe im depressed in a good way. maybe im sad in a good way. people just assume. i drink ... and? i dont overdose myself until i cant wake up the next day. i smoke ... and? i dont smoke as often as any heavy smoker around. i just smoke to release the tension i have in me. from the constant insults and pulling down people do or say to me. i drive fast ... and? i dont go killing myself over it. i control my speed with the constant image of my family and close friends. if i would want to end my life, i wouldnt waste a good car along with me. i would just end it like that, no one involved, just me.

why dont people see. im a new kid, im a new boy, im a new man. if i have no moved on, i would be probably cutting myself silly or even trying to kill myself with constant cuts. why? i cant be normal anymore just because of a silly breakup? i cant think straight just because of it? i cant control myself just because of it?.......why? i just dont understand why people judge me so easily.

only once sy told me this and it made me think twice ... he told me i was doing so well. after his birthday party in chilli's when i saw jac, her brand new boyfriend, pik and her friends. i realized that i was doing the wrong thing by being depressed and all. i was letting her win.

i drink because i needed a place where i can just run away and be free. be myself. no one judge me. no one talks shit about me. its just me being myself. the only safe place i can go, is now no more.

humans care, thats a fact and its normal to care. but caring goes both ways, saying it and not saying it. i know people care about me and my health. yes, i can take care of myself. if i couldnt, i would be dead by now.

im sorry i dont meet your "requirements".

....

so yeah, everyones dissapointed i did something .. "wrong". i mean, what did i do wrong? it was merely just a one time thing. so yeah.

classes resumed as usual after the hectic weekends. kitchen practical was ok i guess. was pretty tired from all the cooking and running around. after class, fixed my sub woofer. cost me rm190! sheesh. now i really need a job to accomadate to my spendings.

everything is back to normal again. well, after what happened on the weekends, it should. no more sulking and stupid acts. im sick and tired of feeling the way i used to feel. whenever i felt that way, she won. she reigns victorious everytime i shed a tear for her. so now, its time to end it. no more petty tears for a petty girl. my vocab has been increased by the constant phone calls from the singaporean. well, its all good. she teaches me well.

life would be meaningless without someone else to share it with you. so that said, derrick is back on his quest again to find his "love". im just a hopeless romantic trying to fill in for a kid.

thats that. now i can go to class feeling chirpy and a little high. =)

rick.

i think i should just copy everything from yesterday and paste it here.

yesterday was ok i guess. went to mid valley with the gang. sy wanted to get new shoes. took forever for him to find his shoes but when he got his shoes, happy he was. then after that we went grocery shopping. they wanted me to cook my pasta again, so i did. pork chilli pasta. yum yum!

so last night i cooked and it wasnt as good as the first one. oh well, first one is always the charm. after all the hassle dassle, i chatted with her on msn. i really missed just chatting with her and all. the weekends are like the hardest. but this time it was different. problems came up, she tried to fix me, but unfortunately, she cant. so being all depressed and all, i said i've got to go. i went to starbucks bukit bintang to meet joe. got me a venti mocha and a nice coffee cake. all on the house. sat there and just chit chatted with joe.

after sitting there for awhile, while joe was cleaning up the place, i got really bored and said my goodbyes and thank yous and went to the bar. i sat there, drank a drink. brought farah back with me. she loves my room. when she reached the apartment she was like whoaa ... she didnt get a chance to see stitch and jaide but its ok. then i sent her back early this morning and here im now. pretty tired from everything though. farah asked me if i could come again today, i just said maybe. will call her later and see how it goes.

i think i should go wash my car. yes i should go wash my car. oh, i dont think im in talking terms with her anymore. im sick and tired of it already. i just wanna be left alone this time.

rick.

ahah! im awake! late night drinking on my own again. it was good this time. really good. farah bought me another drink again. so yeah. joe, my classmate that works in starbucks bukit bintang, came around 2.30 after his work. bought him a beer and we just sat there and drank and talked. sometimes i just love to talk to that guy. he is like the only guy that really understands in my college that we can relate better. so yeah. went to drink last night because of everything. forgot my parents anniversary, jasmine's grandpa passed away, which reminded me of my grandpa when he passed away. i didnt know where she and i stand until today, which is just good friends. so yeah.

everythings been ups and downs for me. i was so happy and jumpy yesterday morning. being who im again was really, a relief. just to break free again, for that few little minutes. i just felt like that was it, im finally free, but when the bad news came, sigh ...

i might just go down to kl again today. joe said anything i wanted from starbucks is on the house, since he is the store manager and all. so yeah. free starbucks anywhere is good.

life goes on ... without you. i miss u. i love u. i will always do.

rick.

i failed myself yet again. just because of my stupidity and uselessness.

i cant really do the right things anymore these days. i want to so badly fall in love, but im afraid i might just hurt the person i care for instead of loving. i dont want to make the same mistakes twice. im so deeply in love with her, but i cant show it. i just cant. everything bad will happen if i did. im such a failure.

i skipped 2 classes today. but i did have my attendance taken before leaving the class. i couldnt stand being in the same room. i need air to breathe and just ... let go. luckily i did not do anything stupid. i just need someone to hug. a nice big fat hug which is full of love and care.

i might just go drink again today. since tomorrow my class starts in the afternoon. sigh. oh, then i can meet joe at starbucks in bukit bintang! free coffee. ok then. im off. im to stressed to type anymore shit about my fucked up life. what caused all this depression? you'll know soon.

rick.

you know, sometimes when you really feel down, but you dont know why you are actually feeling down for? have you ever had that before? because i had. just yesterday. why? i would want to know why too. its time for me to finally move on. no more stops. no more regrets. yes, everything in the past was good, but what i have now is even better. a hundred times more better. but you'll never know until you've tried. the problem is, im still afraid. afraid of that "thing" called love. yes, i am falling in love again. i just dont know if its legit this time. i assume too much.

do you get the feeling that you're always waiting. waiting for that someone to text and when your phone rings, it isnt that person? or a call that you've been waiting for days but all you get when you see your phone is the display picture? i get that. im just not sure what am i suppose to do. i just get lost in this kind of things. i love her company, thats all i can say and assuming she likes mine too.

lastly, could everyone and anyone that reads this not tell the world? i mean, read it, keep it and not spread it. if my blog is affecting anyone else besides me, then ill be changing my blog and just blog to myself. because the only reason i blog is to express my feelings to it. no one will judge me, no one will talk back at me. but what i dont see is that someone out there is doing that. its not really nice and i appreciate that someone not spread. just keep it to yourself. thank you.

rick.